How We Get Our Kids To Eat Healthy Food Without Power Struggles

My last post about some of our summer eats reminded me of some of the best eating wisdom I received and began following nearly a decade ago when my oldest was a toddler. Now, 10 years and 4 kids later, I believe it’s one of the single most important things we’ve done to help our kids enjoy a variety of foods. So in addition to How We Get Our Kids to Eat Food Other Kids Say Looks Like Puke, here is one more thing that’s really helped our kids get off to a great start.

It’s funny, as soon as your little one finally has some words and it’s clear what they want, suddenly you are so excited that you eagerly give them anything they ask for! It always takes me a bit longer than I care to admit to start saying “No” when I should!

So my first little toddler was starting to be able to tell me when and what he wanted to eat–maybe some scrambled eggs, toast or whatever he could dream up for a mid-morning snack, pre-dinner appetizer, etc. If the request required any prep time, he sometimes wouldn’t be interested once it was ready. Boy #2 was on the way, and I realized I could not continue being a short-order cook!

Parents Decide What, When and Where, Children decide How Much and Whether

It was around this time that I became aware of the book Child of Mine by Ellyn Satter. It’s been nearly 20 years since it was published so I don’t know that I would still agree with all of her nutritional advice, but her basic premise is that children will eat everything their bodies need if we provide them with the right structure. She suggests a division of responsibility: Parents decide what, when and where of feeding and children decide how much and whether or not they will eat. This was an ah-ha moment for me and generally following this approach has simplified my effort in the kitchen and helped my kids to be better eaters. Here is the breakdown:

Parents Responsibilities: 

WHAT: Parents determine the foods served at each meal. This doesn’t mean that children can’t have input, make suggestions, etc., but it does mean that parents give final approval. Often when my kids ask for a favorite food I’ll tell them it doesn’t work for today but I’ll try to plan to have it some time soon.

WHEN: This means that we eat only at specified times–we decide a generally consistent time that breakfast, lunch, dinner and a snack will occur. Younger children may need one or two additional snack times, but basically, we plan to have a minimum of 2-3 hours between each eating time. Over time this predictable schedule teaches children to eat a reasonable amount at meal times and avoid grazing throughout the day, often on snacks that have minimal nutrition.

This isn’t to say that we never eat outside of the specified meal times, but generally, we stick to it, especially if someone is going through a picky eating phase. Now that my older boys are usually pretty good at eating we don’t have to be as strict as we did during the toddler/preschool phase.

WHERE: Ideally most meals are happening sitting down at the table. I try to keep my toddlers buckled in their seats as long as possible – I have bribed them with chocolate to reestablish the habit when necessary. We are more relaxed on snacks but I still try to keep them in the kitchen. I’ll also often bring a snack for them to eat in the car on the way home from school. It means we have to clean the van more often (or deal with the mess) but I find our afternoons go far better if they have a chance to get the snack mostly done before getting home.

Child’s Responsibilities:

HOW MUCH: The child can choose how much of each food they eat. This means that if they want to eat nothing but mashed potatoes we let them eat nothing but mashed potatoes. This is a tough one, but I think it’s perfect for toddlers (power struggles get you nowhere) and as my kids get more to the preschool/kindergarten stage we can reason a little and require them to have a small taste/serving of everything. Children will naturally begin to eat to get all of the nutrients they need as long as a variety of whole foods are offered.

WHETHER: This one is even harder, but if the child chooses not to eat, we don’t force them. Many children will engage in power struggles over food to get attention. If the attention is gone, then they will have to decide if they are hungry or not. If they decide not to eat, or not to eat much, I simply say, “OK, did you get enough to keep you full until breakfast (or whatever meal is next)?” By making it abundantly clear that they won’t be filling up on snacks in 30 minutes, we help them choose to eat healthier food.

Side-note: This Bib-On was a great Amazon find–finally a great way to keep the boy clean, which was especially helpful on busy school mornings!

I have found this approach to work extremely well with toddlers. As my kids get older I’ve required them to try a little of everything which has worked well for us starting around age 5. Parents may be worried their children will starve under a system such as this, but I haven’t had a kid starve yet. In fact, they are all solid boys, not one of which has a low BMI for his size.

Now you may have missed the toddler stage with some of your kids, but as long as you are committed to keep trying there is still hope! Regardless of your kids ages, recognize that change won’t happen overnight. But as you do your best to be consistent and constantly improving, children will adapt and make progress.

If you have older kids, I would try to limit eating to meal times and be deliberate about snacking as much as possible. Only offer snacks when there truly is a long time between meals and have a beginning and end time, so everyone knows they have a window to eat if they are hungry.

Gradually replace chips, granola bars, goldfish and other processed snacks with healthier options. It can be so hard to give up the convenience of pre-packaged, grab and go snacks (I think it took me a good year to really get away from them almost all of the time). Even though most of our snacks only take a few minutes, I find it works best to decide and prep them while I am already in the kitchen for lunch or another meal. I like to pair a fruit or vegetable with something else such as nuts, nut butter, popcorn, homemade bread, hummus, or garbanzo beans (one of our favorites! Discovery made one day after cooking a batch in the Instant Pot–they don’t love the canned but will gobble up the softer pressure-cooked ones!). Your afternoon snack time may be an ideal time to offer a smoothie–kids are more likely to try new foods when they are most hungry, and afternoons may not be as rushed as mornings!

I truly believe that the only key really needed for success is a determination to keep trying. Rough days, wasted food, even tears and power struggles are bound to pop up from time to time. But if you continue to experiment with different foods and different approaches you will find that your kids CAN begin to not just eat healthy food, but grow to appreciate and prefer it.

What has worked well for you when it comes to feeding kids? What hasn’t?